1. Raising Resilient Kids: Letting Them Experience Life's "Embarrassments" vs. Helicopter Parenting

1 00:00:01,160 --> 00:00:02,290 Mr. Jesse L Hammonds: Welcome to the healthy, wealthy, 2 00:00:02,290 --> 00:00:03,790 and wise podcast with Dr. 3 00:00:03,790 --> 00:00:04,399 William T. 4 00:00:04,399 --> 00:00:05,090 Choctaw, MD, 5 00:00:05,149 --> 00:00:06,850 Dr. William T Choctaw: JD, where the 6 00:00:06,850 --> 00:00:09,899 Mr. Jesse L Hammonds: doctor helps you unlock your full potential by equipping 7 00:00:09,899 --> 00:00:15,309 you with tools and knowledge in the areas of health, wealth, and wisdom anchored in 8 00:00:15,310 --> 00:00:19,700 his experience as a business executive, a physician, the surveyor for the joint 9 00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:25,340 commission, a former mayor, and over 50 years of experience as a general surgeon, 10 00:00:25,770 --> 00:00:27,970 you've got questions, he's got answers. 11 00:00:28,380 --> 00:00:29,270 So let's get started. 12 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:30,520 Dr. 13 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:31,070 William T. 14 00:00:31,100 --> 00:00:31,620 Choctaw, 15 00:00:31,950 --> 00:00:32,150 Dr. William T Choctaw: M. 16 00:00:32,150 --> 00:00:33,060 D., J. 17 00:00:33,060 --> 00:00:33,530 D. 18 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:37,860 Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, again to the Health and Wealth and Wise podcast. 19 00:00:37,890 --> 00:00:42,340 We're absolutely delighted, absolutely delighted to have a 20 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,959 very special guest with us, Mr. 21 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:46,139 Rudy Chavarria. 22 00:00:46,879 --> 00:00:50,089 Mr. Rudy: But two things, I have a, I have a friend of mine who is 23 00:00:50,189 --> 00:00:57,849 he's 58, he's changing careers and he really actually hasn't had very 24 00:00:57,849 --> 00:00:59,659 good luck with, with careers anyway. 25 00:01:01,039 --> 00:01:01,619 Mathematician. 26 00:01:02,199 --> 00:01:02,829 Brilliant. 27 00:01:03,399 --> 00:01:11,909 He also is He was a schoolteacher, mathematics for eight years, and but 28 00:01:11,909 --> 00:01:15,239 he was, he was I'm sorry, not eight years, five years, and he was, he was 29 00:01:15,239 --> 00:01:18,359 let go from all, from eight different school districts in Orange County. 30 00:01:18,709 --> 00:01:18,969 Okay. 31 00:01:20,149 --> 00:01:20,539 And 32 00:01:20,549 --> 00:01:23,439 the thing is, he's one of those math teachers that you had when 33 00:01:23,439 --> 00:01:26,009 you were in junior high school, high school, everybody hated them. 34 00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:26,749 Right. 35 00:01:28,639 --> 00:01:29,969 People would write things on his. 36 00:01:30,535 --> 00:01:31,615 On his door. 37 00:01:31,765 --> 00:01:32,485 Oh my goodness. 38 00:01:33,715 --> 00:01:38,395 And he was kind of, you know just not the popular math teacher. 39 00:01:38,525 --> 00:01:38,675 Got it. 40 00:01:39,655 --> 00:01:44,355 And now he's changing careers again, and I just feel so bad for him. 41 00:01:44,635 --> 00:01:44,855 Yes. 42 00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:53,825 And, and so And it worries me because I can't help but wonder sometimes if, 43 00:01:53,895 --> 00:01:57,285 if he might, because he's not married, he does, he's not in a relationship 44 00:01:57,335 --> 00:01:59,365 if he would end up becoming suicidal. 45 00:01:59,885 --> 00:02:00,045 I understand. 46 00:02:00,045 --> 00:02:04,494 He has really, really, you know he's got a sister, his parents both 47 00:02:04,494 --> 00:02:06,004 passed away about two years ago. 48 00:02:06,714 --> 00:02:06,894 Mm hmm. 49 00:02:08,064 --> 00:02:09,154 And that concerns me. 50 00:02:09,644 --> 00:02:15,469 And so to, to go back to when he was in his twenties You know, and, and 51 00:02:16,339 --> 00:02:19,409 dealing with college students like I do mentoring them and high school students, 52 00:02:19,409 --> 00:02:23,729 I, I want to see if there's anything that, any advice that you could help 53 00:02:23,729 --> 00:02:28,479 me figure this out with for high school students and college students that are 54 00:02:28,479 --> 00:02:34,389 trying to avoid that that spot where you can end up when you're in your career. 55 00:02:34,784 --> 00:02:43,224 40s, late 40s, early 50s, mid 50s, you start to experience ageism, which some 56 00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:46,274 friend of mine just told me yesterday in the conversation that boy, if you're 57 00:02:46,274 --> 00:02:51,984 in your 30s and you're in China you're considered an old man or I think, 58 00:02:52,054 --> 00:02:54,864 yeah, 30s, 40s, something like that. 59 00:02:54,864 --> 00:02:56,204 Good luck trying to find a job. 60 00:02:57,134 --> 00:02:59,164 And so that I think is a topic that. 61 00:03:00,329 --> 00:03:07,209 I'd like to discuss with you on how to avoid, you know, those type of situations 62 00:03:07,209 --> 00:03:12,519 of when, like I said, when you're in your 40s and 50s and want to change, and in 63 00:03:12,519 --> 00:03:16,139 particular, like, how did you know, Dr. 64 00:03:16,139 --> 00:03:21,859 Choctaw, that you wanted to be a doctor and your path, and how did you get there? 65 00:03:21,859 --> 00:03:26,629 I mean, you just seem, you seem so on point with everything in your 66 00:03:26,629 --> 00:03:28,399 life, that everything was planned. 67 00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:29,049 Everything. 68 00:03:30,129 --> 00:03:33,189 And even when I met you in 85, you just, you know, you walked into the 69 00:03:33,189 --> 00:03:36,959 room and you just, you dressed nice, you had a swagger about you, had a 70 00:03:36,959 --> 00:03:39,409 confidence, you were very well spoken. 71 00:03:40,279 --> 00:03:44,129 And now fast forward to where you are now, you know, almost 35 years later, and 72 00:03:44,129 --> 00:03:46,439 you're still there, if not even more so. 73 00:03:47,299 --> 00:03:53,109 And if, if I can take that secret sauce that you have and, and say this is how Dr. 74 00:03:53,109 --> 00:03:56,249 Choctaw did it, we're going to package it up and we're going to tell you 75 00:03:56,249 --> 00:04:00,059 all of you high school students and college students, this is how you do it. 76 00:04:01,009 --> 00:04:04,439 I'd love to, to hear from you on that, even though I know 77 00:04:04,439 --> 00:04:05,699 you're interviewing me, I mean. 78 00:04:05,759 --> 00:04:06,899 Okay, no, that's fine. 79 00:04:07,329 --> 00:04:08,580 Wisdom would I think. 80 00:04:10,060 --> 00:04:13,750 Help all those other students that are, maybe people even in their 81 00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:15,880 fifties, try and still figure it out. 82 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,490 And I tell college students and high school students, don't worry about it. 83 00:04:18,730 --> 00:04:21,820 Even when you're infant in your fifties, you're still trying to figure it out. 84 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:23,760 Dr. William T Choctaw: Right, right, right. 85 00:04:24,090 --> 00:04:27,930 Well, you know, I, I can certainly comment on that and, and let me just say 86 00:04:27,930 --> 00:04:32,770 to the audience, if you're just joining us, we're with Rudy Chavarria who is. 87 00:04:32,865 --> 00:04:37,935 an expert on assisting individuals on their path to education, 88 00:04:37,935 --> 00:04:39,645 be it college and otherwise. 89 00:04:39,985 --> 00:04:43,985 And and we're, we're, we're chatting about different things in life and 90 00:04:43,985 --> 00:04:46,285 particularly as it relates to education. 91 00:04:46,505 --> 00:04:50,425 In terms of my story and I don't know, I don't know whether we've, 92 00:04:50,435 --> 00:04:52,945 we've had this conversation before, but I'll share it with you. 93 00:04:52,965 --> 00:04:56,315 I grew up as a foster child, but my mother. 94 00:04:56,550 --> 00:04:56,820 Okay. 95 00:04:57,310 --> 00:04:57,880 Yeah, I know. 96 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:02,990 My mother was 17 years old when I was born and this is a Nashville, Tennessee. 97 00:05:03,430 --> 00:05:08,380 And if you could imagine if you're a person of color in the deep South in the 98 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:15,740 late 1940s, You know and certainly for girls who got pregnant in high school you, 99 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:19,910 you, that, that were no avenues for you to finish high school or, or to graduate. 100 00:05:20,290 --> 00:05:25,990 And so what she did, God bless her is that she decided that her first born child 101 00:05:26,380 --> 00:05:30,170 would, would, would get an education, that she would do whatever she could. 102 00:05:30,170 --> 00:05:34,090 Now, there wasn't a lot, you know 17 year old high school dropout could 103 00:05:34,090 --> 00:05:37,260 do, but she had a belief system. 104 00:05:37,875 --> 00:05:40,015 And she put that belief system in me. 105 00:05:40,045 --> 00:05:44,775 And so to answer your first question, and, and I say this when I talk to folks, 106 00:05:44,775 --> 00:05:49,215 particularly maybe individuals who've not had a straight path, but who've had 107 00:05:49,215 --> 00:05:53,505 more of a circuitous path to get into where they want to go, number one, be 108 00:05:53,515 --> 00:05:55,215 careful what you say to your children. 109 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:59,300 Be careful what you say to your children, because what you say 110 00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:01,510 to your children will come true. 111 00:06:02,060 --> 00:06:07,160 She told me at age five, I kid you not, that she wanted me to be a doctor. 112 00:06:07,180 --> 00:06:09,690 She said, you will be a doctor, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 113 00:06:09,890 --> 00:06:12,650 And what was unique about that, I didn't know what a doctor was. 114 00:06:12,930 --> 00:06:16,040 We were poor living in the rural part of Tennessee. 115 00:06:16,270 --> 00:06:17,410 We didn't go see doctors. 116 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:18,480 We couldn't afford it. 117 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:23,360 And because the color of our skin, we were limited to the hospitals we can go to. 118 00:06:23,370 --> 00:06:24,490 We couldn't go to the. 119 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:28,440 And so, you know, when we got sick, we went to the lady down 120 00:06:28,450 --> 00:06:32,740 the street and she did God knows whatever she did that we felt better. 121 00:06:35,150 --> 00:06:40,400 I have no idea what she did, but but my point is intentionality. 122 00:06:40,860 --> 00:06:42,250 It was her intent. 123 00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:43,290 wasn't mine. 124 00:06:43,530 --> 00:06:49,340 It was her intent that I would be a doctor that she took whatever disappointment she 125 00:06:49,340 --> 00:06:52,430 had and she put all that into her son. 126 00:06:52,860 --> 00:06:56,020 And she said, you will do this and you will do that and blah, blah, 127 00:06:56,020 --> 00:06:57,150 blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 128 00:06:57,730 --> 00:07:00,640 That started me on, on, on my course. 129 00:07:01,010 --> 00:07:04,990 And Even when I didn't know what it was, I used to say, people said, well, 130 00:07:04,990 --> 00:07:06,680 what do you want to be when you grow up? 131 00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:07,810 I said, Oh, I'm going to be a doctor. 132 00:07:07,810 --> 00:07:08,980 I said, Oh, that sounds great. 133 00:07:08,990 --> 00:07:09,630 That sounds great. 134 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:11,520 I had no idea what that meant. 135 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:16,770 But, but as I got older, I kept saying it and that I had 136 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,210 made that commitment to her. 137 00:07:18,610 --> 00:07:20,090 And so, so I think that's important. 138 00:07:20,110 --> 00:07:24,020 The second thing is, I do believe that confidence is, is a big deal. 139 00:07:24,310 --> 00:07:27,450 And I think that confidence came from her because I said, well, my mother 140 00:07:27,450 --> 00:07:31,120 wouldn't ask me to do it if she didn't think I was confident enough to do it. 141 00:07:31,210 --> 00:07:32,200 She wouldn't do that. 142 00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:33,690 And she's my mother. 143 00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:35,430 She knows me better than anybody else. 144 00:07:35,430 --> 00:07:39,360 So long story short, that, that's sort of how that came about with me. 145 00:07:39,550 --> 00:07:43,340 And that has propelled me to this day, to this day. 146 00:07:43,665 --> 00:07:44,985 Mr. Rudy: Yeah, brilliant. 147 00:07:45,745 --> 00:07:49,705 And what about now that you're, you know, you're older or, or for some men, they 148 00:07:49,705 --> 00:07:52,145 go through what is called manopause. 149 00:07:53,205 --> 00:07:53,505 Yes. 150 00:07:54,095 --> 00:07:54,985 Crisis. 151 00:07:55,365 --> 00:07:55,455 Yes. 152 00:07:55,965 --> 00:08:00,775 When the body starts to change, men lose testosterone more than, I think you 153 00:08:00,775 --> 00:08:06,525 might even know more than me that body muscle tissues, muscle cells on a man. 154 00:08:06,525 --> 00:08:07,335 Yes, yes. 155 00:08:08,045 --> 00:08:12,035 Start to go down at, from 30, they go down like, I don't know, 10 percent every year. 156 00:08:12,455 --> 00:08:12,895 Yes, 157 00:08:14,025 --> 00:08:16,615 Dr. William T Choctaw: the reality is we all go through change, men 158 00:08:16,615 --> 00:08:20,525 and women, and you're right, men go through change just like women go 159 00:08:20,525 --> 00:08:24,765 through change, women just talk about it more, men don't talk about it. 160 00:08:25,165 --> 00:08:29,850 I, I, you know, there's no question, I think all of us, when we hit Probably in 161 00:08:29,850 --> 00:08:34,580 the mid forties, late forties, we sort of had what, what some people call crisis. 162 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:39,510 I wouldn't call it crisis, but at least we have a conversation with ourselves. 163 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,380 Am I where I want it to be? 164 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,090 Is this what I wanted in life? 165 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:45,270 Is this, is this blah, blah, blah. 166 00:08:45,270 --> 00:08:48,960 You know, we, we, it's sort of like we take a self survey, if you will. 167 00:08:49,290 --> 00:08:50,430 Am I happy? 168 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,310 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 169 00:08:52,540 --> 00:08:54,660 And I think both men and women do that. 170 00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:58,460 I think women probably tend to be a bit, in my opinion, more mature 171 00:08:58,460 --> 00:09:01,010 about it and, and that sort of thing. 172 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:05,570 Men tend to struggle, I think, more with it, probably because 173 00:09:05,580 --> 00:09:07,200 we're honest, open about it. 174 00:09:07,450 --> 00:09:11,460 And we won't talk to people about it, but it is, it is real. 175 00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,185 It is absolutely real. 176 00:09:13,435 --> 00:09:17,455 And so I think to answer your first question, first, you embrace it. 177 00:09:17,495 --> 00:09:19,555 You understand that this is not new. 178 00:09:19,585 --> 00:09:20,875 This is not unusual. 179 00:09:21,075 --> 00:09:22,145 I'm not weird. 180 00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:23,675 There's nothing wrong with me. 181 00:09:24,015 --> 00:09:27,605 You know, I'm just going through the stage, just like teenagers 182 00:09:27,605 --> 00:09:30,315 at 16 go through a certain stage. 183 00:09:30,545 --> 00:09:32,075 And this has to do there. 184 00:09:32,075 --> 00:09:36,605 There's a lot of genetic and biological reason here. 185 00:09:36,915 --> 00:09:39,305 Certain ages, our body is designed to do. 186 00:09:39,395 --> 00:09:40,015 certain things. 187 00:09:40,015 --> 00:09:42,055 The brain sort of runs what we do. 188 00:09:42,405 --> 00:09:46,945 We always like to say how I, what I believe affects how I think, 189 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:51,895 how I think affects how I feel, how I feel affects how I act. 190 00:09:52,315 --> 00:09:58,095 So those belief systems were begun back in early childhood and, and 191 00:09:58,095 --> 00:10:02,115 based on our experiences and what we were talking, what people said to us. 192 00:10:02,455 --> 00:10:05,505 But, but it's something that we all go through and it's completely normal. 193 00:10:05,775 --> 00:10:06,715 Completely normal. 194 00:10:07,235 --> 00:10:08,795 Mr. Rudy: That was wonderful what you just said. 195 00:10:09,005 --> 00:10:09,895 That was wonderful. 196 00:10:09,895 --> 00:10:11,695 That's something I'm going to start telling my seven 197 00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:12,755 year old eight year old son. 198 00:10:13,085 --> 00:10:14,135 Dr. William T Choctaw: Yes, yes. 199 00:10:14,255 --> 00:10:14,335 Brilliant. 200 00:10:14,935 --> 00:10:15,735 Start now. 201 00:10:15,895 --> 00:10:19,925 You can never bet, but I believe this because in my experience, you can 202 00:10:19,925 --> 00:10:22,075 never, you can never begin too early. 203 00:10:22,610 --> 00:10:22,970 Yes. 204 00:10:23,030 --> 00:10:28,440 You know, there is no downside that there is no downside basically that you, you 205 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:32,820 just start and, and, and with little things, basic things, stay in positive. 206 00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:38,060 You can still correct and, and correct the child and, and obviously be a parent, 207 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:40,870 but you can do it in a, in a positive way. 208 00:10:40,870 --> 00:10:45,030 Instead of saying you're a bad person, you can say you did 209 00:10:45,030 --> 00:10:46,610 something that was not good. 210 00:10:46,890 --> 00:10:50,920 So it's not the individual is to act and you can change the act. 211 00:10:51,530 --> 00:10:54,800 You know, of what you did, you know, with the education experience, blah, 212 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,630 blah, blah, but never make them feel bad. 213 00:10:57,630 --> 00:10:59,860 And the fact that she told me I would be a doctor. 214 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,070 I am now a doctor. 215 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,620 I'm sure that their parents that tell their kids things like you 216 00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:06,110 will never amount to anything. 217 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:07,170 You're a bad kid. 218 00:11:07,180 --> 00:11:09,290 You're not like your brother, you know, that sort of thing. 219 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,770 So you want to, you want to have parents stay away from the 220 00:11:11,770 --> 00:11:15,540 negative because kids, people, and we adults, we carry that stuff. 221 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:16,810 We call it baggage. 222 00:11:17,170 --> 00:11:20,370 And a lot of psychologists have to do a lot of work to help. 223 00:11:20,670 --> 00:11:22,490 Get rid of a lot of that baggage. 224 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,950 Mr. Rudy: Yes, you know, you bring that up, how we carry 225 00:11:25,990 --> 00:11:27,730 things with us in our lives. 226 00:11:28,090 --> 00:11:30,420 My grandmother lived to be 93 in the last year. 227 00:11:31,140 --> 00:11:35,570 I would, I would go stay with her because my mother was living with her at the time. 228 00:11:35,860 --> 00:11:38,280 I would stay two days 9 a. 229 00:11:38,290 --> 00:11:38,510 m. 230 00:11:38,540 --> 00:11:39,690 to 5 to 6 p. 231 00:11:39,690 --> 00:11:39,910 m. 232 00:11:39,995 --> 00:11:43,125 And that allowed my mom to be with our son. 233 00:11:44,095 --> 00:11:46,865 She could be with him, and this was before he was in school. 234 00:11:47,135 --> 00:11:50,325 And in those times, I remember, to go along with what you're 235 00:11:50,325 --> 00:11:51,675 saying, we carried that baggage. 236 00:11:52,115 --> 00:11:55,875 She was 92 and telling me stories of what her parents would tell her. 237 00:11:56,855 --> 00:11:59,305 And I just was, and I could see the hurt in her. 238 00:11:59,305 --> 00:12:01,185 Here she is, 92 years old. 239 00:12:01,245 --> 00:12:01,515 Yes. 240 00:12:02,125 --> 00:12:05,165 She recalls the moments where the things that her mother's 241 00:12:05,185 --> 00:12:07,525 told her when she was 9, 12. 242 00:12:07,675 --> 00:12:08,175 Yes. 243 00:12:08,315 --> 00:12:09,355 She was 92. 244 00:12:09,365 --> 00:12:09,675 So. 245 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,390 Yeah, I agree with what you're saying. 246 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,910 Watch what we say to our kids. 247 00:12:14,230 --> 00:12:15,970 And yeah, yeah, 248 00:12:16,180 --> 00:12:16,450 Dr. William T Choctaw: yeah. 249 00:12:16,510 --> 00:12:20,700 And I think a lot of times, again, this is my belief, and I think 250 00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:22,550 there's some biology to back this up. 251 00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:27,040 Men have more, fathers have more challenges with that than mothers. 252 00:12:27,630 --> 00:12:32,500 And, and so one, I have two sons and so one, one, one of the things that I 253 00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:37,510 did with, with my sons growing up is that I would, I would tell them that 254 00:12:37,510 --> 00:12:41,610 I loved them as a father, you know, because, you know, and, and, and a lot 255 00:12:41,610 --> 00:12:43,720 of kids have what we call daddy issues. 256 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,850 You know, my, my dad never told me he loved me. 257 00:12:45,850 --> 00:12:47,940 He never blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 258 00:12:49,050 --> 00:12:53,760 And a lot of times we, we men don't think about that stuff. 259 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,220 We say, well, no, they, they know. 260 00:12:55,250 --> 00:12:55,950 I don't have to tell them. 261 00:12:55,950 --> 00:12:59,360 I'm going to tell you, you do have to tell them you do have to, that you need to hug 262 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,060 them, you know, you need to show them. 263 00:13:01,310 --> 00:13:03,130 And, and there's nothing wrong with that. 264 00:13:03,380 --> 00:13:05,380 And I think a lot of it is generational. 265 00:13:05,625 --> 00:13:09,325 You know, in the forties and fifties and sixties, men were taught to be 266 00:13:09,325 --> 00:13:13,335 a, so I can even think about as a physician, I'm a much different position 267 00:13:13,335 --> 00:13:16,105 now than I was 40, 50 years ago. 268 00:13:16,125 --> 00:13:19,535 You know, you, you don't hug your patients, you don't cry in front of your 269 00:13:19,535 --> 00:13:24,860 patients, but, but I learned that as someone once said, People care about what 270 00:13:24,860 --> 00:13:29,180 you do, people care less about what you know, then, then, then how you make them 271 00:13:29,180 --> 00:13:31,570 feel, you know, that you care about them. 272 00:13:31,970 --> 00:13:37,160 And so I've learned that an empathetic or a human physician is a better 273 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:42,000 physician than what, what your MCAT scores are, how, how, where you 274 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,410 went to school and all that stuff. 275 00:13:43,510 --> 00:13:43,810 Mr. Rudy: Yes. 276 00:13:44,735 --> 00:13:45,695 You bring up a good point. 277 00:13:45,695 --> 00:13:49,205 You know, my wife does cardiothoracic surgery and and she tells me all 278 00:13:49,225 --> 00:13:53,355 the time that the, the hospitals are really looking for surgeons. 279 00:13:53,910 --> 00:13:56,410 That do come from a different, you bet, 280 00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:57,680 Dr. William T Choctaw: you bet 281 00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:04,920 Mr. Rudy: the gentleman that I had a hernia a few years back and the 282 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:11,190 gentleman who, who worked on me when I went, he went to go to check on the the, 283 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:13,110 the sutures and everything was fine. 284 00:14:13,370 --> 00:14:15,250 I asked him and I said, I said to him. 285 00:14:16,225 --> 00:14:18,165 How did you become what you are? 286 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,375 I mean, what made you know what you wanted to be? 287 00:14:20,375 --> 00:14:24,055 And he said to me, and he leans back, he's holding on to his clipboard and 288 00:14:24,055 --> 00:14:28,505 he says, I was actually a fifth grade elementary school teacher for four years. 289 00:14:28,655 --> 00:14:28,905 Okay. 290 00:14:29,315 --> 00:14:33,625 I, I went to medical school and I said, and I, and then I said, no 291 00:14:33,625 --> 00:14:36,005 wonder why you're such a good doctor. 292 00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:37,955 Because you get it. 293 00:14:37,975 --> 00:14:44,975 You, you knew what it, what it took to, to, you know, harness 29 or 32 different. 294 00:14:45,505 --> 00:14:50,485 Fifth graders and communicate with them and discipline them and teach them and 295 00:14:50,495 --> 00:14:54,705 the personality differences and then their parents on back to school night 296 00:14:54,705 --> 00:14:59,785 and, you know, all that you're gosh and I'm like, you get it you totally 297 00:14:59,785 --> 00:15:01,995 understand and he did when he came in. 298 00:15:02,130 --> 00:15:07,400 He talked to me like, just like a normal person. 299 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:08,150 Dr. William T Choctaw: Yes. 300 00:15:08,390 --> 00:15:12,160 You and I first met many years ago when I was Mayor of Walnut. 301 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:18,560 And I've said many times to my friends being mayor or being in outside of 302 00:15:18,570 --> 00:15:22,870 the hospital made me a better doctor because I was around regular people. 303 00:15:22,900 --> 00:15:24,230 I was around normal people. 304 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:25,960 Healthcare is not normal. 305 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,660 Physicians are not regular people. 306 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:30,590 We are not. 307 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:32,530 We have to relearn that. 308 00:15:32,530 --> 00:15:32,870 Thanks. 309 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,670 You know, it is so true. 310 00:15:34,710 --> 00:15:38,670 And, and I, I used to laugh a lot of times when, when I was married, people 311 00:15:38,670 --> 00:15:41,570 would come to city council meeting, they're yelling and they're screaming 312 00:15:41,570 --> 00:15:44,060 and they're calling us, calling us names. 313 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:49,810 And I would smile because for me, it was therapy as, as crazy as that sounds. 314 00:15:50,140 --> 00:15:52,430 Cause I would say, number one, how bad can it be? 315 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:53,910 Nobody's going to die here. 316 00:15:54,310 --> 00:15:57,060 So, so the sprinkles don't work. 317 00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:57,510 Okay. 318 00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:58,150 I get it. 319 00:15:58,150 --> 00:15:58,620 I get it. 320 00:16:00,290 --> 00:16:01,885 And then they're yelling at you. 321 00:16:01,885 --> 00:16:02,545 That's right. 322 00:16:03,805 --> 00:16:07,925 But, but I think, I think it, it is, it is strange how that occurs, 323 00:16:08,255 --> 00:16:10,355 but that we, we study so hard. 324 00:16:10,355 --> 00:16:13,265 It is so intense, but it is a different world. 325 00:16:13,265 --> 00:16:16,145 But yet we have to treat people in the, in the real world. 326 00:16:16,265 --> 00:16:19,945 How do you treat somebody if you don't understand where they're coming from? 327 00:16:20,505 --> 00:16:24,735 You know, and, you know, and how can you be empathetic with somebody 328 00:16:24,735 --> 00:16:28,225 if you've never seen or understood them and know anything about them 329 00:16:28,435 --> 00:16:30,315 or their culture or anything else? 330 00:16:30,505 --> 00:16:32,525 And I'm not saying you've got to know all cultures. 331 00:16:32,765 --> 00:16:36,625 You just got to know how to respect people and you learn respect just by 332 00:16:36,655 --> 00:16:39,055 being around people, you know but, but. 333 00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:44,530 Clearly, I learned that, that I became a better doctor when I did non medical 334 00:16:44,540 --> 00:16:49,440 stuff, when I inter react with people, not as their physician, because as 335 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:53,360 their physician, I'm in a certain mode, I'm in a certain frame of mind, I know 336 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,820 what I'm going to say, I know what I'm going to go through, blah, blah, 337 00:16:55,820 --> 00:16:57,020 blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 338 00:16:57,985 --> 00:17:01,575 But once I get outside, I'm just like you and you're just like me. 339 00:17:02,045 --> 00:17:07,125 And, and that's eye opening for most physicians and hospitals now are working 340 00:17:07,125 --> 00:17:12,735 on that because there's such a high level of physician burnout and suicide. 341 00:17:12,855 --> 00:17:18,625 You know, The downside of what we do, and ticket surgeons, because we're 342 00:17:18,625 --> 00:17:23,085 probably the extreme of that, is that that stress and all that stuff 343 00:17:23,095 --> 00:17:25,395 has a toll, it takes a toll on us. 344 00:17:25,805 --> 00:17:29,825 At the end of the day, we tell ourselves that we're superhuman, but the reality 345 00:17:29,835 --> 00:17:31,645 is we're just like everybody else. 346 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:36,590 And what I do when I get the docs together and I give them talks, I tell them that, 347 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:38,810 you know, we're no better, no worse. 348 00:17:39,410 --> 00:17:42,150 And once we understand that, then we can deal with the 349 00:17:42,150 --> 00:17:45,310 reality of how can I be better? 350 00:17:45,340 --> 00:17:46,940 How can I be a better doctor? 351 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:50,100 And the first way to be a better doctor is to be a better husband. 352 00:17:50,515 --> 00:17:55,555 Be a better wife, be a better mom, be a better dad because all, because it's just 353 00:17:55,555 --> 00:17:57,285 human beings dealing with human beings. 354 00:17:57,285 --> 00:18:01,345 Doesn't matter what your, what your career is specifically. 355 00:18:01,545 --> 00:18:05,085 But I learned that by getting outside of medicine, I was better in medicine. 356 00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:09,190 Mr. Rudy: You know, when I first met you, I, I didn't see you as a doctor, 357 00:18:11,510 --> 00:18:13,750 but I didn't see you as a doctor. 358 00:18:13,750 --> 00:18:15,730 I was the mayor. 359 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,380 So yeah, everything you're saying though, makes complete sense. 360 00:18:21,630 --> 00:18:24,270 To go back to what I had said, there were two things that I 361 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:25,800 kind of wanted to talk about. 362 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,900 One was, so this way, students. 363 00:18:28,420 --> 00:18:32,550 would understand decisions that they make, influences that they 364 00:18:32,550 --> 00:18:39,090 choose to either subscribe to or push away from them, negative. 365 00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:39,400 Huh. 366 00:18:39,590 --> 00:18:41,750 The second is, is is suicide. 367 00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:42,660 Okay. 368 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:47,590 And because like I had said, I fear that my friend might 369 00:18:47,590 --> 00:18:49,100 in the end just be suicidal. 370 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:55,110 And what's interesting is, is also the when we talked about suicide within 371 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:59,870 physicians and and even in teenagers now, it's just, it's so pocketed. 372 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:00,500 Yes. 373 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:04,580 And that's one of the things, I mean, I, I, why I wanted to talk about it is 374 00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:08,190 because, and I know we're transitioning here, is because I feel like there's, 375 00:19:08,430 --> 00:19:13,710 and I've had a number of friends of mine commit suicide where they just 376 00:19:13,710 --> 00:19:19,450 felt there was no hope and they just felt better if, if it was over with. 377 00:19:20,220 --> 00:19:24,680 And, you know, I wanted to, and you brought it up already, how so 378 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:29,795 many doctors And physicians and even dentists, teachers, whatever. 379 00:19:30,945 --> 00:19:36,385 And your opinion is, is there like a medical reason why this is, or 380 00:19:36,385 --> 00:19:38,735 do you think it's purely emotional? 381 00:19:39,425 --> 00:19:41,415 Like what you said, if, if parents are saying, Oh, you'll 382 00:19:41,415 --> 00:19:42,395 never amount to nothing. 383 00:19:42,405 --> 00:19:47,025 And then finally it just builds up so much that it pushes them into anxiety, 384 00:19:47,045 --> 00:19:49,315 anxiety, into stress, anger, depression. 385 00:19:49,495 --> 00:19:53,275 Then finally they're just ready to give up hope and, and give up on life. 386 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:57,850 How do you feel about, especially, if I can bring this 387 00:19:57,850 --> 00:19:59,150 down even more so into focus. 388 00:19:59,150 --> 00:19:59,350 Sure. 389 00:19:59,860 --> 00:20:04,260 About high school students, and, and in particular junior high 390 00:20:04,260 --> 00:20:07,620 school and high school students who finally start to get a taste of 391 00:20:07,620 --> 00:20:09,100 social media with their cell phones. 392 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:13,400 Because I, I just came from our son's award ceremony this morning, he's 393 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,070 in second grade, he got an award and a bunch of other students got 394 00:20:16,070 --> 00:20:19,000 awards, and they're just so lively. 395 00:20:19,570 --> 00:20:22,720 But then when I cross and I look at junior high school students. 396 00:20:23,595 --> 00:20:25,155 They're so withdrawn. 397 00:20:25,435 --> 00:20:25,615 Yes. 398 00:20:25,615 --> 00:20:30,745 And as you remember being in junior high school when you start to feel 399 00:20:30,745 --> 00:20:35,155 all this and, and what is your opinion on how do you think we can 400 00:20:35,155 --> 00:20:37,005 handle it as a parent like myself? 401 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,750 Who has an eight year old who eventually, in four years, is 402 00:20:40,750 --> 00:20:44,550 going to start being introduced to cell phones and social media. 403 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:45,280 I 404 00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:47,400 Dr. William T Choctaw: think the first thing, and actually I've 405 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:51,990 done a podcast on this, a couple of them, that this is normal. 406 00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:52,940 This is normal. 407 00:20:53,905 --> 00:20:56,005 All of us go through different stages. 408 00:20:56,165 --> 00:21:00,025 And what's, what's interesting is that there are biological reasons for that. 409 00:21:00,345 --> 00:21:03,995 You know, obviously an eight year old, an eight year old's brain is 410 00:21:03,995 --> 00:21:08,655 not as developed as a 15 year old's brain and a 15 year old's brain, I'm 411 00:21:08,655 --> 00:21:13,295 talking about cognitively now, is not as developed as a 25 year old's brain. 412 00:21:13,295 --> 00:21:20,425 So a lot of times the things that our say teenagers do that make no sense, you know, 413 00:21:20,585 --> 00:21:22,545 they, they're just trying to process. 414 00:21:22,705 --> 00:21:27,265 Everything they don't understand, like the 30 or the 40 year old parents 415 00:21:27,265 --> 00:21:30,765 saying, well, the smart thing to do would have been a, B, C and D. 416 00:21:31,025 --> 00:21:32,645 You know, they're still trying to process this. 417 00:21:32,675 --> 00:21:38,655 And then to your point, you throw in this world of, of, of the web and the 418 00:21:38,665 --> 00:21:42,705 internet, which was not, which was not a factor when I was growing up. 419 00:21:43,095 --> 00:21:46,615 And, and that just, that just magnifies everything because you 420 00:21:46,615 --> 00:21:48,275 can get everything on the internet. 421 00:21:48,275 --> 00:21:49,345 You get information. 422 00:21:49,645 --> 00:21:51,095 You can be resourceful. 423 00:21:51,295 --> 00:21:55,905 So your children can be reached on the web without you being aware of it 424 00:21:56,215 --> 00:21:58,015 and, and have a whole different world. 425 00:21:58,015 --> 00:21:59,505 So that just adds to the challenge. 426 00:21:59,505 --> 00:22:03,815 But, but to be specific, there are biological things that clearly account 427 00:22:03,825 --> 00:22:07,435 for the different stages of development in life, whether you're an eight year 428 00:22:07,435 --> 00:22:10,275 old, an 18 year old, or a 28 year old. 429 00:22:10,855 --> 00:22:11,945 The brain is different. 430 00:22:12,285 --> 00:22:14,835 The brain is, is, is developed, develops different. 431 00:22:14,865 --> 00:22:15,405 Number one. 432 00:22:15,655 --> 00:22:18,505 Second thing is the environment is, is a factor. 433 00:22:18,725 --> 00:22:20,095 Everybody's a little different. 434 00:22:20,095 --> 00:22:20,805 And so there is. 435 00:22:20,875 --> 00:22:24,964 So you know, there's no one size that fits all, but, but there are certain basics 436 00:22:25,154 --> 00:22:31,954 and, and, and basics like self esteem, self wealth worth and, and a lot of that 437 00:22:31,954 --> 00:22:35,964 comes from the people who are closest to you, mom and dad, or that teacher 438 00:22:35,964 --> 00:22:41,164 who you look up to, or that in law, that aunt or uncle who you look up to. 439 00:22:41,554 --> 00:22:45,514 Those are the ones early on that can be, that can have a positive 440 00:22:45,514 --> 00:22:47,034 or negative impact on you. 441 00:22:47,344 --> 00:22:48,214 In terms of. 442 00:22:48,694 --> 00:22:49,894 different parts of school. 443 00:22:49,944 --> 00:22:54,724 I remember my worst time and I was in junior high school when 444 00:22:54,724 --> 00:22:56,084 I was when I was in school. 445 00:22:56,404 --> 00:22:57,874 I, I was angry. 446 00:22:57,924 --> 00:22:59,294 I was angry at the world. 447 00:22:59,314 --> 00:23:02,984 I was in my, I think my second foster home by this time. 448 00:23:03,414 --> 00:23:06,474 And I still would say I wanted to be a doctor. 449 00:23:06,804 --> 00:23:08,264 But, but I wasn't doing it. 450 00:23:08,264 --> 00:23:09,864 I wasn't putting in the work. 451 00:23:10,114 --> 00:23:13,514 And in my aha moment, I remember my eighth grade teacher, Mrs. 452 00:23:13,524 --> 00:23:14,054 Hogue. 453 00:23:14,414 --> 00:23:16,914 She would go around the class and she'd ask people, what do you want 454 00:23:16,914 --> 00:23:17,874 to be when you want to grow up? 455 00:23:18,234 --> 00:23:19,784 And when she got to me, she said, Ms. 456 00:23:19,804 --> 00:23:21,674 Choctaw, what do you want to be when you want to grow up? 457 00:23:21,924 --> 00:23:24,614 And I said, oh, I want to be a doctor, which is what I'd always said. 458 00:23:24,954 --> 00:23:27,844 And she laughed at me and everybody in the class laughed. 459 00:23:28,104 --> 00:23:32,124 And, and she said, have you looked at your grades lately? 460 00:23:32,804 --> 00:23:36,844 You know, and, and she made me so angry, but she was right. 461 00:23:37,194 --> 00:23:38,974 She was right on the money. 462 00:23:39,284 --> 00:23:44,344 I was saying it because I always said it, but I wasn't walking that talk. 463 00:23:44,734 --> 00:23:49,324 And when, and when she pushed my button and when everybody in class pushed 464 00:23:49,324 --> 00:23:51,374 my button, I then sort of woke up. 465 00:23:51,599 --> 00:23:53,129 To some extent, if that makes sense. 466 00:23:53,129 --> 00:23:56,659 And I said, okay, I said, I'm going to show you, you know, my mother 467 00:23:56,669 --> 00:23:57,419 said I'm going to be a doctor. 468 00:23:57,499 --> 00:23:59,349 I told her blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 469 00:23:59,689 --> 00:24:03,419 And then I, I, I switched courses, but just because you say it, 470 00:24:03,459 --> 00:24:04,589 doesn't mean you're going to do it. 471 00:24:04,619 --> 00:24:06,839 You know, you gotta, you gotta walk that talk. 472 00:24:07,109 --> 00:24:10,863 But my point is these stages of development are completely normal. 473 00:24:10,864 --> 00:24:12,094 They're completely normal. 474 00:24:12,354 --> 00:24:17,044 Then what I, my philosophy was with my kids and I tell parents, keep 475 00:24:17,044 --> 00:24:18,884 the lines of communication open. 476 00:24:19,444 --> 00:24:24,414 I don't care whether they're 12 years old or 22 years old, keep the 477 00:24:24,414 --> 00:24:26,904 lines of communication over open. 478 00:24:27,104 --> 00:24:31,074 You can disagree with what they've done or their choices or their habits. 479 00:24:31,294 --> 00:24:35,754 And you can say that, but always ended with, I'm always here for you. 480 00:24:36,324 --> 00:24:37,454 You're a good person. 481 00:24:37,494 --> 00:24:38,974 This too shall pass. 482 00:24:39,234 --> 00:24:40,384 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 483 00:24:40,384 --> 00:24:44,904 Always end it on a positive note, but always keep those lines of communication 484 00:24:44,914 --> 00:24:50,144 open with that child or young adult or teenager, because once that cuts 485 00:24:50,144 --> 00:24:53,894 off, now you're lost because you have no idea what's going on because 486 00:24:53,894 --> 00:24:55,254 they aren't talking to you anymore. 487 00:24:55,654 --> 00:25:00,414 And normally teenagers normally start to separate from mom and dad. 488 00:25:00,714 --> 00:25:02,334 They know, and that's why you want to have that. 489 00:25:02,959 --> 00:25:07,989 Other person outside of mom and dad who's a good person who can give them direction. 490 00:25:08,459 --> 00:25:13,529 As always we we thank you for your time and we thank you for your words of wisdom. 491 00:25:15,359 --> 00:25:17,879 And with that you have you have a blessed day. 492 00:25:18,114 --> 00:25:19,483 Likewise. 493 00:25:19,484 --> 00:25:19,894 Thank you for 494 00:25:19,894 --> 00:25:21,694 Mr. Jesse L Hammonds: listening to this episode of the Healthy, 495 00:25:21,694 --> 00:25:24,054 Wealthy, and Wise podcast with Dr. 496 00:25:24,084 --> 00:25:24,494 William T. 497 00:25:24,494 --> 00:25:26,644 Choctaw, MD, JD. 498 00:25:27,304 --> 00:25:30,824 Be sure to check out other great episodes covering areas of health, 499 00:25:31,044 --> 00:25:33,664 wealth, and wisdom at thwwp. 500 00:25:35,374 --> 00:25:35,884 Dr. William T Choctaw: com. 501 00:25:36,174 --> 00:25:37,614 Mr. Jesse L Hammonds: And while you're there, be sure to check 502 00:25:37,664 --> 00:25:41,929 out The books, blogs, and other literature in your preferred format. 503 00:25:42,329 --> 00:25:43,469 And don't forget to leave a 504 00:25:43,469 --> 00:25:44,959 Dr. William T Choctaw: review, subscribe, 505 00:25:45,149 --> 00:25:46,969 Mr. Jesse L Hammonds: share, and support the podcast. 506 00:25:47,809 --> 00:25:48,599 That's at THWP. 507 00:25:50,509 --> 00:25:50,569 com. 508 00:25:51,609 --> 00:25:55,319 You've been listening to the healthy, wealthy, and wise podcast with Dr. 509 00:25:55,429 --> 00:25:55,979 William T. 510 00:25:55,979 --> 00:25:57,849 Chalk Talk, MD, 511 00:25:57,849 --> 00:25:59,368 Dr. William T Choctaw: JD.