Lessons from a Blended Family: The Sookram's Secrets to a Harmonious Home

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What, what other advice
would you give couples?

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Um, I would say don't let
time, don't let time go by.

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Yes.

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That's a good one.

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Yeah.

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Tell me what you mean.

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Well, what in our marriage, we've
unfortunately wasted a lot of time

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in the beginning of our relationship.

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We spent a lot of time being upset
when we could have fixed things sooner.

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Yeah.

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Um, allowing differences of opinion to
cause the divides where, like you said,

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we weren't communicating with each other.

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And then not only that, we allowed
our minds to take us other places.

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Um, and when you do that over time,
it creates that space, it builds

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up and it creates that space.

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Um, just being transparent, you
know, we, we had, um, quite a few

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damaging, um, issues in our marriage.

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When it came to issues with our
children, um, being a blended

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family, um, up to infidelity.

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And,

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you know, praise God, we've, we've come
back from that and we're healing from

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that, from all those different issues.

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But again, because of allowing
that space and time to build up,

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build up resentments, build up
misunderstandings, build up tension,

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you know, and, and not allowing,
like you said that, um, to come back.

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Yes.

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Yes.

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Yeah.

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There was a point where I used to, you
know, in, in our men's group, I used

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to always, So, you know, sometimes I
wish God would not have given us the

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charge, you know, to say, you know,
treat the woman as a weaker vessel.

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Right?

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And I'd be like, that's not fair.

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You know, she needs to be accountable too.

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And, you know, and I tried listening to
this program called Focus on the Family.

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So when I'm listening to it, you
know, and it has to be God, you know,

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there'd be whatever conflict we were
going through that program that day

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would happen to be on that topic.

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But my ears at the time, I'm
listening for again, how to fix it.

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Right?

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Right.

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Right.

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Right.

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Because you're a guy and guys fix things.

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And I'm coming to her and say,
you need to listen to this.

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And just, you know, and making it worse.

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So I had to learn how not to do that.

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And when to bring information,
when not to bring information.

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And like you said, when just.

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Even just acknowledging, you know, her,
her feelings, um, at one time, um, we're

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talking with Pastor, he told us there's
a difference between feelings and fact.

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And a lot of times in our conversation,
we would be doing this where one

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of us is talking about feelings and
the other one's talking about facts.

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So we're coming together, but
then there's a point where we're

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like, Nope, if we go that way,
you know, with the conversations.

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And we have to just kind of learn
how to work those things out now

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to where, like you said, when we,
when there's a hint of conflict,

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we're able to bounce back quicker.

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Yes.

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To mend sooner.

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And even in the mending, not have that
tension anymore, or have less tension.

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You remind me, um, and I, I agree with
you 100 percent that even in the heat of

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battle, we want to limit that battle, you
know, because we said, okay, we got, we

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got to get out of this once this is over.

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But I remember a quote from Maya Angelou
who said, you know, I will forget what

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you said, I'll forget what you did, but
I never forget how you made me feel.

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So we want to make sure how we make
people feel that, that, and it was

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another quote we used to use in law
school, you can't unring the bell.

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So you want to choose those, even in
the heat of battle, you want to choose

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those words carefully because you put
that word out there, you ring that bell.

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You can't take that back or so
you can't take it back easily.

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And so I think it takes, it causes all
of us to take pause, you know, says,

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okay, I'm, uh, I'm, I'm not comfortable
here, but let me, let me go back.

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I'll, I'll share something
real quick about myself.

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I learned, and I've shared this in
Sunday school many times too, over the

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years, I'm seven to six years old now.

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And over the years I've learned
about me that when someone does,

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and not necessarily talking about a
spouse, but just anybody does assess

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something to me that I perceive.

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Perceive to be negative that I perceive
as negative for whatever reason,

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that 90% of the times I am wrong,
I'm being really wrong, you know?

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And I said, oh my God.

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I said, that's just horrible.

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You know, I, and so my point is that
a lot of times when we hear something,

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it might be the tone, it may not be
the words, it might be the movement,

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uh, uh, as, as, as the speaker is
speaking or the look or whatever, that

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verbal and non-verbal communication.

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What I do now, even if it's negative, I
slow down, or I try to slow down, back

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up a bit because you know, you tend to
go, go off that deep end about stuff,

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you know, um, and, and I found that
that self regulation has helped me.

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Uh, has helped me quite a bit.

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Um, and I was certainly
passed that on also.

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That, that, um, um, uh, that many
times, um, um, what we think is

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negative is really not negative.

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So then we create a problem that
was never there in the first place.

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So we heard something, but we didn't
hear it the way it was intended.

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And so then we addressed it.

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That's that negative part
of when that's really us and

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not do with the other person.

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That's just maybe we're having a bad day
or I don't know, somebody said something

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to us early in the day or whatever.

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So I, I try to work on that a lot, um,
uh, also, and my point is, I think working

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on the person in the mirror is one of
the best ways to help a relationship.

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It's a, it's a big, big
key component, component.

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I agree with that.

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Yeah, definitely agree with that.

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It makes a, it makes a big difference.

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You, you start looking at things.

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Yes, you do.

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Um, when, when we would be in conflict,
um, I, I noticed that when I allow myself

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to just kind of keep myself quiet, not
be quick to, you know, forget things.

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Defensive and get to saying something.

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My interpretation, yes, just to
say, okay, just just hear him out.

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Tom, you just let him let him say
what he's saying, because he he's not

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trying to, you know, be malicious.

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And

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yes, you know,

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you just got to just.

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Close your mouth, because I, I'm, I, I'm
ready to snap, snap shirt sometimes, so I

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can pray about that, you know, Lord, close
my mouth, allow me to humble myself, and

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to just hear what he has to say, even if
I don't agree with it, close my mouth.

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Um, allow him to, to speak
and help me to really hear

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what

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it is that he's saying and not
interpreted as something negative.

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And I've noticed it's been helping me
with some things that's come up and I'm

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so thankful and it makes a difference
that that's why it's so important to

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have that relationship with the Lord
to help you within your marriage.

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Yes.

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Because it helps you when you're
connected, when you're coming

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together with your spouse, because
it's helping you to be humble.

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Yes.

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Towards each other, and
then that respect just.

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Goes up to the roof.

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Yes.

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It's a totally different feeling and I'm
seeing that and I'm so grateful for that.

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Many times we're operating on
our belief systems as adults.

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We're a product of everything
that's happened before.

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And so that's built up over time.

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So you don't, you don't
just make this stuff up.

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This is you or it's me or him or whatever.

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And, and, and what, what,
what I've learned is our

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beliefs affect how we think.

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If I believe a certain thing
about people or about people of a

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certain gender or whatever it is,
I'm going to react based on that

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belief, even though it may be wrong.

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Um, and the belief affects how we
think, how we think affects how we feel

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and how we feel affects how we act.

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Uh, so I, I, I agree with you completely.

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Not just, not just that too.

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But, um, one of the things
again, um, have, um, shown us.

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Was playing all records
in our minds, right?

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So because an incident in the
past, yes, in a certain way, we

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tend to play that record back
whenever something feels similar.

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Right.

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And then we, we end up not like,
like you said, paying attention or

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being present in the moment of what's
going on, because in our mind, we're

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already check up the boxes of what
we feel, what we believe is going on.

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Right.

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We react based on that past situation
or feelings and not, you know,

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realizing, oh, maybe this is different.

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Or maybe this was.

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you know, different thing on or I'm
understanding now in a different way.

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So I would caution, you know, trying
to limit limits or removing or work on

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removing those old, those old records.

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But what advice would you give a
young teenage couple, let's say 15.

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So who are in love, you know, and
the world just revolves around

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him or revolves around her.

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What advice would you give them?

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Both of them came to you, uh, what,
what advice would, would you give them?

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Stay in school.

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I mean,

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and we've been there.

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A couple of times already.

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Okay.

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Not at 15, but wow.

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Hmm.

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What would I say to that now?

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Um, try and understand
what love really is.

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I, I, I always encourage people
now to have a solid couple that

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you can seek out for advice.

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Um, that has helped us tremendously
in our marriage, whether it be

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Brother Herndon and his wife, uh,
Brother Fonville and Sister Fonville.

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Brother and sister Adams.

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Brother and sister, oh my
god, brother and sister Adams.

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We've, God has blessed us
with couples that spoken to

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allies in the moment of heat.

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Yes.

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Where, where we were either at their
home, in the middle of the night.

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Try to calm us down or, you know,
phone calls or even just seeing us, you

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know, at church and stuff like that.

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Um, so yeah, seek out a
couple that you can trust.

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Yes.

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Both people can trust.

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Yes.

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Not just one person going to that person
to comfort their own side of the coin.

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But find a couple that you trust and
that you know will be genuine and honest.

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Yes.

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And, um, have your best interests
for your relationship and

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to, to, to seek wise counsel.

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And not only that too, what, what, what
happened when, so one of the things for me

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is, Where I work my, my work environment,
I always worked with older women.

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Mm-Hmm.

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,
I was the only male at, at, at, at the,
at the, the schools that I worked at.

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And they were always like mother figures
to me, mother and auntie figures to me.

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So in the beginning of my relationship,
sometimes I would bounce up off of them

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where I felt like, oh, well, they must
have my best interest and mine because

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, you know, they, I've been around them.

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They, you know.

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Yeah.

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You were like the

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favorite son.

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Right?

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Exactly.

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Exactly.

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It was a lot of times.

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Right.

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But I had to, I had to learn to, to
decipher what was actually beneficial

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for my relationship versus Yes, yes.

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And experiences in their lives
and their relationships, and

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not bringing that into mind.

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And I had to learn how to separate that.

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Yes.

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And learn who.

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Who to go to with those
things and who not to.

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You have to be very careful.

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Yeah, it makes sense.

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It makes perfect

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sense.

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Right.

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And I'm sure they were all
well intended, you know.

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Oh,

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yeah.

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Oh, yeah.

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But they were looking
out for my investment.

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Yes,

237
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you were a favorite son.

238
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That's right.

239
00:13:01,689 --> 00:13:02,810
I'm sorry, Tanya, go ahead.

240
00:13:03,390 --> 00:13:10,360
Oh, no, I was just going to add, um,
the other advice, um, would be To

241
00:13:10,460 --> 00:13:17,660
tell them to really get to know each
other, really get to know each other,

242
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:25,476
um, be friends, be friends, even if
you, you feel, oh, I love this person.

243
00:13:25,476 --> 00:13:27,491
Oh, she loves me.

244
00:13:27,491 --> 00:13:29,003
He loves me.

245
00:13:29,003 --> 00:13:30,514
The friends, um.

246
00:13:32,865 --> 00:13:39,035
Really, you know, find out what each
other's likes and dislikes are, what,

247
00:13:39,225 --> 00:13:44,625
um, each other's expectations are, um,
what you like to do, what you don't

248
00:13:44,625 --> 00:13:48,275
like to do, that, that, that helps.

249
00:13:48,335 --> 00:13:52,815
So, um, again, there's no,
no surprises in the future.

250
00:13:53,355 --> 00:13:53,565
Well,

251
00:13:53,675 --> 00:13:56,245
not only that, but understand to that.

252
00:13:56,704 --> 00:13:57,525
People change.

253
00:13:57,625 --> 00:13:58,045
Yes.

254
00:13:58,074 --> 00:13:58,954
Yes, they do.

255
00:13:59,545 --> 00:14:00,064
Yes, they do.

256
00:14:00,685 --> 00:14:05,675
I think now that the, the saying is every
10 years, you know, a couple of changes.

257
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:06,505
Okay.

258
00:14:06,655 --> 00:14:09,235
So I understand that over time
that person is going to change.

259
00:14:09,235 --> 00:14:14,434
So what they might have been 5 years
ago, they, they might be a totally

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different person now as far as views or,
you know, different stuff like that now.

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So, you know, Expecting that
and understanding that there's

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a constant knowing, constant
learning from the person.

263
00:14:24,949 --> 00:14:27,489
And to that point about change,
and one of the things that I've

264
00:14:27,490 --> 00:14:31,640
told patients, particularly about
teenagers, they are just beginning.

265
00:14:32,089 --> 00:14:33,329
The body is changing.

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00:14:34,350 --> 00:14:37,920
Physically, change boys and girls,
that hormone levels, those hormone

267
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,350
levels are going up higher than they've
ever been before, many of them have

268
00:14:41,350 --> 00:14:46,249
no idea what's going on or what to
do about them, uh, and, and the brain

269
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of a, say, a 15 year old is not as
developed as the brain of a 25 year old.

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The 25 year old is experiencing things,
going back to your point about, uh,

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you know, uh, waiting and going slow.

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What a 15 year old doesn't know that,
uh, he or she doesn't know that.

273
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They know how they feel or how they think
they feel, uh, and, oh, you know, love,

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love, love, love, love forever and always
and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

275
00:15:13,665 --> 00:15:17,775
Uh, and, uh, and almost every
parent goes through this one way

276
00:15:17,775 --> 00:15:19,794
or another, one way or another.

277
00:15:20,064 --> 00:15:21,544
Um, uh, and it's on.

278
00:15:21,655 --> 00:15:25,574
It's almost sort of like a rite of passage
for both for parents and teenagers.

279
00:15:25,964 --> 00:15:27,344
It's tough on both sides.

280
00:15:27,395 --> 00:15:28,655
It's tough on both sides.

281
00:15:28,974 --> 00:15:33,124
Um, but frequently they've said, at
least a lot of the texts have said

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00:15:33,385 --> 00:15:38,074
that if there's one adult in that
teenager's family or in that teenager's

283
00:15:38,074 --> 00:15:42,374
life, it doesn't have to be a member
of the family, uh, who they trust.

284
00:15:42,594 --> 00:15:45,655
who the teenager trusts, then the
teenagers will probably be okay,

285
00:15:45,844 --> 00:15:48,925
because many times they don't want to
have anything to do with mom and dad.

286
00:15:49,194 --> 00:15:52,555
Mom and dad are old school,
old fogey, or they don't care,

287
00:15:52,555 --> 00:15:54,005
whatever, whatever, whatever.

288
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:59,774
And then eventually when that teenager
comes back around 18, 19, 20, says, Oh,

289
00:15:59,775 --> 00:16:02,005
you know, mom was really pretty smart.

290
00:16:02,025 --> 00:16:03,194
You know, she, she told me.

291
00:16:04,110 --> 00:16:10,600
And I ignored her, you know, or dad,
dad really had some, some good advice,

292
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:15,360
you know, so we all come back to that
place, but, but it's tough, it's, it's,

293
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:20,010
it's a challenge and that gets mixed in
with that couple and that marriage and,

294
00:16:20,350 --> 00:16:24,490
um, and that's the thing, but everything
needs to be done as a team, husband and

295
00:16:24,490 --> 00:16:28,810
wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, uh,
and that's, that's where the success is

296
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,710
with God in charge, with God in charge.

297
00:16:32,150 --> 00:16:32,840
Yes.

298
00:16:32,930 --> 00:16:33,380
Yes.

299
00:16:33,380 --> 00:16:33,753
Yes.

300
00:16:33,753 --> 00:16:34,089
Yes.